How Often Is The Right Amount?
Q: Hi Dr. Laurie. I was wondering how many times a week or month is a normal amount to have sex—and what you think of relatively sexless relationships. From the beginning of my relationship with my boyfriend, sex was never really the strong suit. Even though we were doing it frequently, I don’t think either of us would have said it was the best sex of our lives. Since then, things have slowed down considerably in the bedroom as other things—jobs, social life, etc.—have made more demands of our time.
Sometimes we have sex once a month. Other times it’s every three to four months. Now, when I was younger and idealistic, I imagine that when I met my dream man, we wouldn’t be able to keep our hands off each other. And in many ways, he is my dream man. He’s my best friend, we do everything together, and I wouldn’t want to spend this much time with anyone else. But can we really make it last—like, for decades to come—if sex is barely part of the picture? What do you think?
A: There really is no “normal” when it comes to frequency. Each couple establishes their own normal. The key is that you need to both be on the same page. If once a month or 4 times a year works for you both, and neither is left frustrated, and both still feel desirable, desired, loved, and connected, then it works for your particular couple. The longevity of a relationship is not determined by how much sex you have. It matters far more how connected you feel, how you get along, how close you feel to each other, your shared values, etc. Also, what is crucial for long-term relationships is that you feel romantically connected. That involves affection, touch, kissing, and the like. It doesn’t necessitate sex. This differentiates you from say a roommate relationship. At the beginning of a relationship, it’s more common to have sex often and have the feeling of “not keeping hands off each other”. But in long-term relationships, this usually wanes. Again, the most important piece is that you are both on the same page. Otherwise, when one is left frustrated in the relationship, it causes issues that would need to be addressed. Having said all this, why give up on sex? It may not be the best sex of your life, but he is the best relationship of your life and he is “your person”, so why not give each other pleasure? I get that neither of you may be “hungry” for sex, but that doesn’t mean that it wouldn’t be fun and pleasurable to engage in sexual activity (which doesn’t mean just intercourse). Sex is good for us in so many ways, so why not make a regular date to have it? Research shows that the happiest couples have sex once a week (having sex more than once a week didn’t seem to make a difference in happiness levels, but less than once a week, they were less happy). Check out my TEDx talk about sex in long-term relationships.